I was talking to someone the other day, and I heard this phrase leave my mouth. "Why does your sorry cost you so much?" This was a moment that stopped me. I am a leader in a mentoring program, so this kind of question isn't that unusual. We talk about things that could hinder us or keep us from being the person we are supposed to be on a fairly frequent basis.
But this question. This question won't leave me.
The girl I asked stopped right in her tracks and looked at me like "I have no idea how to answer that". She had made a simple mistake (as we all do), and then came to explain all of the situations that came into play so that it couldn't possibly be her fault that she missed an assignment. She started with reasons, moved to defending, and finished with blame-shifting. I listened, and waited for three little words.
I am sorry.
They didn't happen. Not at that moment anyway. Thus the question - "Why does your sorry cost so much?"
Maybe she was afraid to be wrong, she was afraid of an "I told you so" followed by a 45 minute diatribe about the merits of hard work, maybe she was afraid of rejection...
Whatever the case, she had a chance to own something and she left it there on the dealership floor.
She has since come back and worked it all through, and in the end, it turned out to be a pretty costly lesson for a 5 cent crime. It is always nice when that happens.
But it still has me thinking and I have asked myself a few times in the last couple of weeks "How much does your sorry cost you?"
Of course I am not meaning for easy things like bumping into someone in line, interrupting a conversation to ask a question, or even saying "Sorry for your loss". None of these "sorry's" really cost me anything.
It only costs me when I am sure I am right. More importantly I am afraid of being wrong.
I am right in myself.
I am self - right.
I am self - righteous.
I have found my sense of right in myself.
My circumstances, my reasonings, my view of the world has convinced me that I am right and that anyone who disagrees with me is in the wrong. End of story.
This block of stubbornness extends from the conversations I have with my husband, all the way out to the views I have of religion and politics and social rules and guidelines. It even extends to the way I interpret the Bible and my view of God.
To be clear, I believe that we all need to know truth. There is standard truth that changes us. There is irrefutable truth that I am accountable to (that there is a God who loved me enough to send his Son to die for me. That kind of stuff). There is also truth that is clear like gravity and death.
But then there is truth that is shaped by my own perceptions. My own sense of manners and propriety. The "always" and the "never's" of life are the ones that start to work on my perceptions and form the rock solid part of me that must always appear put together and perfect.
That I could admit I was wrong would mean that I am not God. And isn't that the lie we have been fighting since Eve took the first bite?
What a breath of fresh air to be with someone who has a humility reflex.
My husband is like this and it kind of drives me crazy sometimes. I will say "Hey, I am struggling with something. I feel like I am carrying more of the home responsibilities than we agreed to and..." before I can even get to my points and the reasons I feel like that, he has hit the dirt and apologized. Usually including his own examples of how he had already been thinking of ways he needed to pick it up around the house.
Crazy isn't it? Don't you think it is more likely that someone would say "I am tired too you know? Don't you see all of the stuff I d o around here? And, by the way, these are the things I think you should change!" We have had those conversations too of course, but most of the time, he is taking the low road (grrrr! I need more character!)
Another challenging thought: We can't pray for humility.
Well, we can, but I think it is like praying for patience. We just get more opportunities to practice. Humility is a choice. I have to choose it. I have to go lower and listen to the other person. I need to leave room for the fact that I could be wrong.
I need to understand that not only could I be wrong in this circumstance, but I could be totally, 100%, off on a different planet kind of wrong. And I could be dying on a hill of my own false assumptions and prejudices.
Even our great example Paul the Apostle said this:
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. I Corinthians 13:12
Do you recognize the address? Right after, I mean right after the greatest verses about love ever written.
I think it is worth thinking about, even for a few minutes, why those thoughts are connected.
In the end, everything will be made plain. What is true about everything will be as clear as day. I believe that in the meantime, our job is to love and be conformed to the image of Christ every minute of our lives.
People who never admit they are wrong are...wait for it....
Wrong.
And frustrating, and not really representing the heart of Christ.
Philippians 2: 2-8
Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
The simple truth I am working on right now is this:
If Jesus the Son of God, who did nothing wrong, could humble Himself then what in the world is my problem?
OF COURSE I AM WRONG!
On any given day, I could be dealing with half-truths, wrong perceptions, a mixture of sleep deprivation and anxiety about a myriad of things, offences and grudges that need to be dealt with. All of this, and much more are jumping for preeminence in my mind to counsel me in the ways I should see things and to project how I want others to see me. Don't even get me started on how much I want people to like me and believe that I am the most reliable, awesome person they have ever encountered.
No wonder it is so hard to say "I am sorry". If I am building a fortress that I don't want anyone to detect weakness in, then my "sorry" is very expensive indeed.
The real question is -"Why am I defending that fortress?" I know I am flawed. I know I am human. I know that I hurt people and that I have made grave mistakes with people's hearts. It shames me and haunts me until I remember that there is a cure for this crazy, defensive lifestyle.
It is my get out of jail free card. In an instant I remember that I was never meant to carry the load of my mistakes or failures. Its all been paid for, and my receipt to cash is in is that simple beautiful choice:
It is humility.
It is saying those simple, but expensive words "I was wrong."
"I am sorry. I truly am sorry. Please forgive me."
I take His righteousness and leave my own sense of rightness where it belongs - under my feet.
So, I am sorry this is a bit long (Do you see what I did there?) But I am grateful you stopped by. I always love to hear from you if this has rung true for you as well.
But this question. This question won't leave me.
The girl I asked stopped right in her tracks and looked at me like "I have no idea how to answer that". She had made a simple mistake (as we all do), and then came to explain all of the situations that came into play so that it couldn't possibly be her fault that she missed an assignment. She started with reasons, moved to defending, and finished with blame-shifting. I listened, and waited for three little words.
I am sorry.
They didn't happen. Not at that moment anyway. Thus the question - "Why does your sorry cost so much?"
Maybe she was afraid to be wrong, she was afraid of an "I told you so" followed by a 45 minute diatribe about the merits of hard work, maybe she was afraid of rejection...
Whatever the case, she had a chance to own something and she left it there on the dealership floor.
She has since come back and worked it all through, and in the end, it turned out to be a pretty costly lesson for a 5 cent crime. It is always nice when that happens.
But it still has me thinking and I have asked myself a few times in the last couple of weeks "How much does your sorry cost you?"
Of course I am not meaning for easy things like bumping into someone in line, interrupting a conversation to ask a question, or even saying "Sorry for your loss". None of these "sorry's" really cost me anything.
It only costs me when I am sure I am right. More importantly I am afraid of being wrong.
I am right in myself.
I am self - right.
I am self - righteous.
I have found my sense of right in myself.
My circumstances, my reasonings, my view of the world has convinced me that I am right and that anyone who disagrees with me is in the wrong. End of story.
This block of stubbornness extends from the conversations I have with my husband, all the way out to the views I have of religion and politics and social rules and guidelines. It even extends to the way I interpret the Bible and my view of God.
To be clear, I believe that we all need to know truth. There is standard truth that changes us. There is irrefutable truth that I am accountable to (that there is a God who loved me enough to send his Son to die for me. That kind of stuff). There is also truth that is clear like gravity and death.
But then there is truth that is shaped by my own perceptions. My own sense of manners and propriety. The "always" and the "never's" of life are the ones that start to work on my perceptions and form the rock solid part of me that must always appear put together and perfect.
That I could admit I was wrong would mean that I am not God. And isn't that the lie we have been fighting since Eve took the first bite?
What a breath of fresh air to be with someone who has a humility reflex.
My husband is like this and it kind of drives me crazy sometimes. I will say "Hey, I am struggling with something. I feel like I am carrying more of the home responsibilities than we agreed to and..." before I can even get to my points and the reasons I feel like that, he has hit the dirt and apologized. Usually including his own examples of how he had already been thinking of ways he needed to pick it up around the house.
Crazy isn't it? Don't you think it is more likely that someone would say "I am tired too you know? Don't you see all of the stuff I d o around here? And, by the way, these are the things I think you should change!" We have had those conversations too of course, but most of the time, he is taking the low road (grrrr! I need more character!)
Another challenging thought: We can't pray for humility.
Well, we can, but I think it is like praying for patience. We just get more opportunities to practice. Humility is a choice. I have to choose it. I have to go lower and listen to the other person. I need to leave room for the fact that I could be wrong.
I need to understand that not only could I be wrong in this circumstance, but I could be totally, 100%, off on a different planet kind of wrong. And I could be dying on a hill of my own false assumptions and prejudices.
Even our great example Paul the Apostle said this:
Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. I Corinthians 13:12
Do you recognize the address? Right after, I mean right after the greatest verses about love ever written.
I think it is worth thinking about, even for a few minutes, why those thoughts are connected.
In the end, everything will be made plain. What is true about everything will be as clear as day. I believe that in the meantime, our job is to love and be conformed to the image of Christ every minute of our lives.
People who never admit they are wrong are...wait for it....
Wrong.
And frustrating, and not really representing the heart of Christ.
Philippians 2: 2-8
Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate? Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.
You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
The simple truth I am working on right now is this:
If Jesus the Son of God, who did nothing wrong, could humble Himself then what in the world is my problem?
OF COURSE I AM WRONG!
On any given day, I could be dealing with half-truths, wrong perceptions, a mixture of sleep deprivation and anxiety about a myriad of things, offences and grudges that need to be dealt with. All of this, and much more are jumping for preeminence in my mind to counsel me in the ways I should see things and to project how I want others to see me. Don't even get me started on how much I want people to like me and believe that I am the most reliable, awesome person they have ever encountered.
No wonder it is so hard to say "I am sorry". If I am building a fortress that I don't want anyone to detect weakness in, then my "sorry" is very expensive indeed.
The real question is -"Why am I defending that fortress?" I know I am flawed. I know I am human. I know that I hurt people and that I have made grave mistakes with people's hearts. It shames me and haunts me until I remember that there is a cure for this crazy, defensive lifestyle.
It is my get out of jail free card. In an instant I remember that I was never meant to carry the load of my mistakes or failures. Its all been paid for, and my receipt to cash is in is that simple beautiful choice:
It is humility.
It is saying those simple, but expensive words "I was wrong."
"I am sorry. I truly am sorry. Please forgive me."
I take His righteousness and leave my own sense of rightness where it belongs - under my feet.
So, I am sorry this is a bit long (Do you see what I did there?) But I am grateful you stopped by. I always love to hear from you if this has rung true for you as well.